Loved Ones Lost

There are moments in time when no matter what is going on in my life, I am fine, I am positive, and I keep moving. Then tonight out of the blue I watch a video of a man getting surprised over his wife's pregnancy and something about the purity of his reaction just hits me and I start bawling. I'm just flooded with the emotion that I so often cage up and all I can think about is how unfair life can be. 

My mom, gone at the age of 46 due to cirrhosis of the liver due to alcoholism, has been gone for 14 1/2 years. My older sister age 43 is living with the same disease, although she came about it through her prior drug addition. My younger brother, age 32 is absent from my life as he is hiding his own drug addition. Now my father, who was diagnosed with ALS in November continues to progress at a rate that is downright unfair. I sit here watching the man I so admired and love just fall apart. Just putting on a jacket is at times impossible, he had to quit work a month ago because he had no strength to perform his job, and his voice is incomprehensible most of the time. 

My life is not the only one that is unfair. My mother, my sister, my brother all experienced some sort of pain they could not overcome which brought them to where they are today. My sister who has been clean for 10 years now lives with the uncertainty of how much time she has left. My father, who has been nothing less than a kind man who would do anything for anyone, is now lost and soon to be gone from this world forever. 

My heart hurts!

This past weekend when I held a family gathering at my home for my father, I learned of more heartbreaking news. My girlfriend lost her brother. This is the second friend of mine to lose a sibling in the past year and a half. 

My heart hurts! 

How much is a person capable of handling before they break? Because my heart just feels so heavy right now.

 

Wow! Eight years have passed!

What a whirlwind of milestones, high points and lows since I last wrote. Let me give the short and fast for now.

In 2013, I started my career in Marketing, at the same time Mark and I purchased a home just a few blocks from where the kids and I previously lived. A few weeks later, we married in our backyard.

It was in 2014 that I successfully quit smoking, though I vaped for two additional years after that. This was also the year that the kids and I were reunited with Nicholas and Allicia. Their adoptive mother was very supportive in including us in their lives going forward, and I am ever so grateful. Camping was at Button Bay State Park in Vergennes, a place we frequented for several years. Last, we finally adopted a four legged friend named Max. He was quite crazy when we first took him in.

In 2015, my daughter hit the ground running with learning guitar. She even tried getting her brother interested. The kids, my friend Maegan, her two, and I went camping in the NEK. We were able to take the kids fishing for a bit until it poured, and I mean it straight up down poured shortly after we arrived and it didn't let up until the morning we were scheduled to leave, we couldn't have left earlier if we wanted to since my car was stuck in the mud. After the first night, we had to take the kids blankets and clothes to the laundromat to dry, because the tent did not keep the water out. We also stopped at the local hardware store to purchase a crazy expensive tarp to prevent the tent from leaking again. We survived and even went on a hike the last day. Our tents were tossed, along with the millions of slugs that attached themselves to the outside. Regardless, it was an experience that we will all remember for years to come.

2016 we started taking long road trips for family vacations. We visited Pennsylvania and the Hershey Factory, we stayed in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia where we met Mark's biological brother and walked the Luray Caverns, and toured Washington D.C.

2017 we took a family trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, with a stop in Virginia along the way. Krisanta attended prom her freshman year with a boy she had dated previously. I took Krisanta to a Green Day and a Breaking Benjamin concert, and took both her and my sister Sam to see Evanescence. We also adopted our beautiful Ruby, of which Max was not too pleased with.

 

The year 2018 was a hard one. It was a year of uncertainty, a year of sadness, and a year I felt hopeless and confused. This year nearly broke me, but it did not start off that way. In May, my daughter attended prom with a friend, while I traveled internationally for the first time to Aruba with a few girlfriends. Before the start of school, Caiden and I hiked and camped remotely on Camels Hump. I took Krisanta and a friend to see Black Veil Brides and Asking Alexandrea. Later, I took the whole family to see Bullet for My Valentine. Krisanta cried when they walked past us on the street, and again when she went backstage to meet them. I also drove the kids down to vacation in Virgina with Lael and Braylie.

2019 was the year of recovery for me. It was the year where I finally started paying attention to me and set goals for my future. I picked up college courses (7 for the year) and started working towards my degree again after laying dormant since 2006. It brought another trip to Aruba and a girls trip to Maine. It also included two concerts, one with the kids and I in Boston to see State Champs and another with headliners Papa Roach, Asking Alexandria and Bad Wolves. We took a family trip to Florida where we parasailed for the first time. And the in December, in 6 degree weather, I did something crazy and slept out in a tent to raise money for the homeless. I still get cold thinking about it.

 

Then there is 2020. The year of the pandemic. The year my daughter graduated from high school and the year I received my first degree. While it created challenges, it also created opportunities. While working from home and having the world shut down around us for the first three months, family is what we had to rely on. I am grateful to it because it is what helped my son and I bond and repair our relationship. I was supposed to go to California in May, take the kids to see My Chemical Romance, and go to my first country concert with Maegan. The California trip was cancelled and the two concerts are rescheduled for late 2021. I am still in college and on my 9th course for 2020. I am about 2 1/2 years into my second degree. I've spent a lot of my summer hiking and working on/paying for projects around the house. I took Caiden kayaking (my first time) and learned how to sew masks (I believe I am just over 100). I ended up traveling to Aruba in the middle of a global pandemic. Wow, what a difference it was from the last two trips. The flight was rescheduled a few times, COVID test required within 3 days of the trip, masks at all times (except when able to socially distance outside). Grocery store trips required that everyone has a grocery cart (to help distance), mask, and sanitation prior to entry. An officer was even posted outside to enforce this. Nearly every restaurant and store would take your temperature prior to entry and again, hand sanitizer required at the door.

In the past 8 years, I have traveled to Illinois, Massachusetts (a million times), Connecticut,  Nevada, Virginia, Philadelphia, Maine, South Carolina, New Hampshire, Aruba, Rhode Island, and Washington D.C. Some for work, many for concerts, and otherwise for vacation. There were endless concerts attended by myself, my daughter and at times Caiden and Mark. I cannot count the number of times girlfriends and I biked the causeway to Snow Farm Vineyard, or the number of hikes I went on with friends and at times family. I gained two nieces, and reconnected with my stepfather and my older sister. There were a lot of heartaches, but for the most part, things eventually worked themselves out. There are still a few hang-ups and a bit of sadness, but I hope this individual is able to overcome their obstacles. All I can do is to model self-care and positive actions and hope they too see their value, their strengths, and their worth.

5 years this month

The realization that 1/2 the reason why I am alive, is gone. I miss you mom, even though you may not have known it while you were here with us on earth.

There gets to be a time when you realize that hanging onto a relationship with anyone who is not also an active participant in wanting to continue, is just not worth your time or effort.  They are not worth the tears, disappointment or anger.  There are far more important people in your life whom are active participants.

The people who are by your side are what matters and they are the ones who are deserving of your time, affection and love.  That blood is not as thick as you once thought.  Family sometimes becomes strangers; the paths we've each taken over the years no longer weave together but have become completely unraveled.  We meet new friends, they then become like family.  We create new lives, have children and fall in love.

Regardless, I am thankful for my past; what it has taught me and the paths that it led me down.  If any of those paths had been interrupted or broken, I would not be who I am now with the ones that make my life amazing.  I live without regrets in knowing that for all the hardships, I am stronger.  Without one lesson or one interaction... my life now may not have turned out as good.

What did teachers do before???

Last year and this year as well, Caiden's teachers have been after me constantly. Letting me know that Caiden did this or Caiden did that... he was unable to keep his body still, etc. Okay, I've tried the meds... they do not work for him and I'm not going there again. I've asked for additional help for him in school and it has been denied.

Caiden is on a very good schedule at home... but yes, he is also hyper. So what! I deal with it.

Now I'm not saying that the teachers did not have their hands full, but what the heck do you expect me to do? I can't be there during the day... supervision is left to the school and if he requires one on one then perhaps the school should do something to provide him with such. We are a single income household and guess what? That would be me.

Was there not a time before medication when there was no 'oh he/she needs drugs', children were managed. Have children really gotten that much worse or do teachers have a higher expectation because of the medications available.

I'd love to see them put their children on medications and watch them as they have constant emotional melt downs/anxiety/tantrums/weight loss/vomiting. I can tell you right now that I would never want another child to have to go through the roller coaster that my son was put through. Nor would I want another parent to have to sit there not knowing what to do with all the pressure for them to put their child on drugs knowing well that it is not something that you feel is right.

Little man...

It's been a while since I've checked in on my son and his medications. We continued the Concerta for about six weeks. The moods seemed to get worse and he was becoming more and more agitated. This past Thursday was the last day on that medication. He went Friday -Monday medication free and wile he was hyper, he was also happy.

Yesterday Caiden was started on Vyvanse... that turned out to be even worse than the Concerta. He cried the entire day at school and was unable to accomplish anything at all. Other than the cereal at home he had prior to taking the meds... he refused to eat anything at all, only ate a piece of bread at school. He also refused to drink. Oh... did I mention he has lost 4 pounds in the last few weeks? Yup! Went from a tiny 50lb to an even tinier 46lb boy.

We had an emergency visit with his physician, both came to the conclusion that medication will NOT work for him. It's putting his body through too much! She is going to contact the school to see about any councilors which may/may not be available for him during the school day.

This morning he woke up very thirsty and while he was only sipping, he was throwing up every time the water hit his stomach. He tried food a little later which stayed in for all of 15 minutes.

=(

I am so glad that we are done with medicines!!!

How do you begin to say goodbye?

It's final from what I've been told, my niece and nephew will be adopted out.

Chances are they will not remember much of their cousins Krisanta and Caiden or their Aunt Sam, Uncle Anthony and Aunt Sandy. I have only seen them three times in the last year. Each time was not nearly long enough.

I hope they have a new beginning, a strong upbringing and a happy life. I will miss being able to give them big hugs and kisses.

Happy 10th Birthday Lil K

Double digits "eeek" where does the time go?

Caiden and I sat on the edge of the bed this morning as he said "Happy Birthday Krisanta... Krisanta... Happy Birthday... Happy Birthday Krisanta... Krisanta I have a present for you" and at that she jolted awake. We sang the birthday song, ate some breakfast and were out the door for the day.

I got off work early, picked up two beautiful pink roses. Paid my respect to a loved one and then joined my children for a treat at daycare as they got off the bus. I gave K the second rose which was treated... not so respectfully so perhaps a 'note to self' not to bother next year.

Dinner at Tiny Thai, a Kindle and loved ones... I think it made for a spectacular birthday.

People amaze me every day...

A casual trip to the grocery store started out with a bump.

I parked in a space where the curb was on one side and no cars were on the other. A older Canadian man pulls in crooked and close in a blue mini van and as I get my keys and purse and emerge from the car to open Caiden's he rounds his vehicle looking disgruntled and more or less demands right of way. Instead since he was now an obstacle I round to the other side to let the kids out opposite his side.

Caiden's little voice announces 'Excuse me please' as he opens the door and then 'Thank you' after he emerged. The old man then jumps on Caiden saying 'Look what you did' to which Caiden replies 'I'm sorry' followed by 'YOU no sorry!'. Really??? I round back to the drivers side to see what is going on, there is a little tiny white spot on the car. Regardless, what the hell right do you have to speak that way to my child when he has been nothing but polite to you. I instruct the kids to get back into the car on the opposite side and the man then says 'Why you no open the door for him' to which I replied, 'I went over there to open the door for them since you were blocking my way'.

So he then spins into 'I call the cops'. I politely responded 'You call the cops then and we will sit right here'. He pulls out his cell phone, walks over to get into his car, turns the engine on and sits there for a few minutes and then gets out and walks off. I announced 'Are you calling the police because we are waiting' to which he rudely waves me off and continues into the store.

My neighbor seems to think he wanted me to offer money.

Sheesh! Dick-wad!!!

FANTASTIC week off =)

I'm so very grateful to get back outdoors and start exploring again... I haven't been this adventurous since before I had children. Now they have grown a bit, are old enough to explore and are actually excited about it too!

We spent Monday with a good friend of mine in Barton, not really exploitative but about an hour and a half drive to visit with friends of ours that we have not seen in a while.

Tuesday was pretty low key as we stuck around the house playing catch up on chores, taking a walk over to a nearby park and a great dinner with Mark at my place.

Wednesday I took the kids out for a 12 mile bike ride around our town and over to play at a local school park before the rain came in.

Thursday the kids and I stopped by their daycare to make smoothies with the rest of the children and later in the day we headed over to see my niece, nephew (whom I have only seen two other times in the last year) and my sister to take their family photos.

Friday a good friend Sarah, the kids and I headed down to Waterbury State Park to relax while the kids splashed around and to take us all out on a paddle boat in the reservoir. Later on I was surprised by their fathers offer to take them for the night so I took the opportunity to meet up for a dinner date with a female friend to get to know each other a little more.

Today we ventured out to Moss Glen Falls in Stowe. It was a great blast finding favorite rocks, taking photos of/by the falls and letting the kids wade in the water. Mark treated us to dinner at Friendly's followed up by bed time for the kids and relaxation for the two of us.

I still have two more days off until I have to return to work but I am very excited that the following week I will once again be enjoying much needed time with my children and my boyfriend Mark this time too.